The Rather Recourse

By DJ Drummond ~ March 9th, 2005 @ 12:46 pm

Being a sneaky kind of guy, I happened to lay hold of a draft for tonight’s ‘farewell performance’ by Dan ‘Courage’ Rather:

“Good evening, and welcome to BS Evening News. I’m Dan Rather with a shocking headline story, but first, a legally-required announcement:

“The Federal Communications Commission, or FCC, has found that in the interest of accuracy and truth, the network formerly known as ‘CBS’ may no longer use the first initial, as it is misleading. The network, in the interest of accurate description, is now officially ‘BS News’.

“In a related development, BS News sold the now-restricted letter ‘C’ to Time Warner, whose prominence in Politically Correct ventures has given them access to those capitals as well, so that their news network has also changed its name to a more accurate designation.

“BS News welcomes the christening of the former ‘CNN’, to the new ‘CCCP Network News’, with special commentary from guest Anchor Vladimir Putin on alternate Tuesdays.

“Now, a breaking story, exclusive to BS News, regarding the continuing investigation into the nefarious conspiracy created by Karl Rove, which attempted to dismantle the People’s Republic of Journalism by attacking its foremost champion, namely myself.

“BS News has established a second commission to examine the evidence in the scandal, this time looking into the possibly criminal actions of the Bush Administration, by imposing facts and democratic processes into the journalistic process against the will of professional journalists. This Commission is formed by Mister Bashar Assad, Mister Ali Khamenei, and Mister Bill Maher, all of whom are noted for their objectivity and tact. I have seen and can vouch for the authenticity of the memo which created the Commission, and can verify that Les Mooves’ signature was real and correct, even if he himself denies even knowing about the memo. The original of the memo has been ~~shredded to prevent those freaking bloggers from proving it’s another fake~~ – er, accidentally lost, but I can personally vouch for its truthfulness, and the clear desire for the truth which this reporter can affirm is the only desire and intent of the Commission. The fact that the ‘Results and Recommendations’ section have already been written, and in some cases distributed, is simply a coincidence.

“This reporter has also learned that there are forces, possibly within the BS News organization itself, which are sick and annoyed with the continuing whining and dishonesty of certain high-profile members of the network. This is sad and unfortunate. Julie Chen is not only a valuable and capable host of ‘The Early Show’ and ‘Big Brother’, she is also married to Les Moonves now, so there is no way in hell she will be canned.

“This reporter has also learned, most recently by the method of a wad of paper thrown at my head by the lead cameraman – I’ll get you for that, Bert – that some members of this network believe the whiny and dishonest member referred to in that scurrilous rumor, is none other than this reporter himself. While this rumor is a completely unfounded allegation, and likely to be the source for a ’60 Minutes’ story to be profiled later in this newscast, I have already prepared for this eventuality, taking a cue from my good friend and thoroughly impartial American Harry Reid, and am therefore announcing the beginning of a network filibuster here at BS News. I have several bottles of ‘Evian‘, a new package of ‘Pringles’, the print copes of the weather reports for every major city in the United States for the past year, and the screenplay for Michael Moore’s new production, ‘I’m Still Lying, But You’re Still Paying to See My Movie’. Don’t plan on seeing the ‘King of Queens’, ‘Yes Dear’, or ‘CSI – New York’ tonight. This reporter has even told David Letterman not to bother taping his show for tonight. I don’t stop talking until I get tenure. This reporter will even claim to be a Native American if it helps in that endeavor.

“So, here are the weather reports for the past year: In Anchorage, during March of 2004, the first report called for…”