Thanks to the rousing success of our Nobel-Peace-Prize-Winner-In-Chief, people in the Middle East are too busy killing each other to spend much of their time scheming against us. But, like many sporting events, it’s hard to know whom to root for in the games of the Middle East Armageddon Bowl. So here’s our government’s handy guide to whom you should support:
ISIS versus Iraq/Iran: Iraq, but not Iran. For now.
ISIS versus the Kurds: Easy. The Kurds! Well, except for the Turkish Kurds…
ISIS versus Assad: We need both of them to lose.
Libyan rebels versus the Libyan “government”: Huh, what? Who?
Sisi versus the Muslim Brotherhood: Well, the Egyptians did vote for Sisi… after he staged a coup… but still…
Yemeni rebels/Iran versus the Yemeni “government”/Saudi Arabia: The “government”/Saudis
Israel versus the “Palestinians”: Root for Israel in public and “Palestine” in private. Or is it the other way round now? But you should definitely root against Netanyahu!
Israel versus Iran: Who can know such things?