Who you should root for in the Middle East

March 29, 2015

Thanks to the rousing success of our Nobel-Peace-Prize-Winner-In-Chief, people in the Middle East are too busy killing each other to spend much of their time scheming against us. But, like many sporting events, it’s hard to know whom to root for in the games of the Middle East Armageddon Bowl. So here’s our government’s handy guide to whom you should support:

ISIS versus Iraq/Iran: Iraq, but not Iran. For now.
ISIS versus the Kurds: Easy. The Kurds!
ISIS versus Assad: We need both of them to lose.
Libyan rebels versus the Libyan “government”: Huh, what? Who?
Sisi versus the Muslim Brotherhood: Well, the Egyptians did vote for Sisi… after he staged a coup… but still…
Yemeni rebels/Iran versus the Yemeni “government”/Saudi Arabia: The “government”/Saudis
Israel versus the “Palestinians”: Root for Israel in public and “Palestine” in private. Or is it the other way round now? But you should definitely root against Netanyahu!
Israel versus Iran: Who can know such things?
Boko Haram versus Nigeria:

How to get elected and re-elected

March 29, 2015

The Obama method:

Sometimes the facts are simply made up. There are millions of “shovel ready jobs” right around the corner! “You can keep your doctor!” The Benghazi attack was “about a video!” “One in five women are raped!” “The Islamic State isn’t Islamic!” “These exclamation points are totally necessary!”

At other times, the facts are selectively deployed. “Something something tax breaks for corporate jets mumble mumble poor Warren Buffet’s secretary’s tax bill blah blah Spain is winning the future with solar panels” and, course, “core al-Qaeda has been decimated” (in which “core al-Qaeda” is defined as “the bits of al-Qaeda that have been decimated”).

The Obama response to all opposition is to either attack the motives of his critics or to dismiss the objections as mere politics or ideology. When Obama met with congressional leaders back in 2009, Eric Cantor and Paul Ryan made substantive critiques of Obamacare, and Obama responded by waving away their objections as mere “talking points” — as if any facts written on a sheet of paper suddenly become untrue if you can call them “talking points.”

Republican 1: “It is unsafe to smoke cigarettes around the propane tank.”

Republican 2: “Mass collectivization of agriculture has not worked well in the past.”

Republican 3: “You should not feed salmon to grizzly bears using your lap as a plate.”

Obama: “Those are just talking points…..Ahhhhh! Get this bear off of me!”

FEMA to Let People Die

March 24, 2015

Because their state governors believe in science:

Next year, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) will start denying disaster funding to states that don’t incorporate global warming into their emergency preparedness plans.

Governors looking for disaster preparedness funding will have to start reporting on how man-made global warming will impact their states such as “more intense storms, frequent heavy precipitation, heat waves, drought, extreme flooding, and higher sea levels,” according to FEMA.

FEMA funding goes towards a wide variety of projects like raising buildings out of floodplains, and states are required to update their disaster mitigation plans every five years to keep getting federal money. FEMA has handed out more than $4.6 billion to states for disaster mitigation since 2010.

In the old days, religious fanatics burnt heretics at the stake. The Cult of Gia is equally vicious, but much more subtle, about punishing those who blaspheme.

Let’s Talk About Race!

March 22, 2015
Let’s Talk About Race!

Quoth Howard Schultz, CEO of Starbucks: “the promise of the American Dream should be available to every person in this country, not just a select few.” Indeed. Surely many...

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Six Orders You Can’t Make At Starbucks Anymore

March 22, 2015

Video: Hundreds of ISIS Corpses in Kobane

March 21, 2015

“We have collected 300 bodies until now.”

Video: Starbucks Baristas Desperately Try To Avoid Talking About Race

March 21, 2015

Best. Excuse. Ever.

March 15, 2015

From the guy who allegedly shot those cops in Ferguson:

Jeffrey Williams, 20, denies he shot at the police officers, saying he fired the gun as part of a different altercation.

Which brings us to the inevitable poll:

Who do you think Jeffrey Williams voted for in 2012?

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See a pattern here?

March 12, 2015

Obama incites hatred, cops get shot, Obama condemns violence.

Time passes…

Obama incites hatred, cops get shot, Obama condemns violence.

Either he’s an idiot, or he wants cops to get shot.

Resist the Tyrant!

March 10, 2015

This letter is the greatest thing I’ve read all year! As El Presidente abuses his powers and tries his damnedest to undo two centuries of American greatness, Congress (and indeed all of us) have a duty to oppose him.

Letters like this should be sent to all beneficiaries of El Presidente’s power abuses, including every illegal alien who’s dreaming of amnesty.

Everyone who’s benefited from Obama’s excesses should be reminded that the dark days of Obama will end one day. And there will be a reckoning.

How the Black Power Structure Protected Trayvon Martin

March 9, 2015

Protected him from arrest, and thus prevented him from learning valuable lessons:

The Miami-Dade Schools Police Department (M-DSPD) had problems unique to its peculiar mission. The exposure of the department’s practices began inadvertently with the Miami Herald story on Martin’s multiple suspensions. The article prompted M-DSPD Chief Charles Hurley to launch a major Internal Affairs (IA) investigation into the possible leak of this information to the Herald.

As the investigation began, the officers realized immediately that they had a problem on their hands. “Oh, God, oh, my God, oh, God,” one major reportedly said when first looking at Martin’s data.

He could see that Martin had been suspended twice already that school year for offenses that should have gotten him arrested. In each case, however, the case file on Martin was fudged to make the crime less serious than it was.

To their credit, the officers, when questioned, told the truth about Martin and about the policies that kept him out of the justice system. From their statements, made under oath, it appears that Hurley instructed his officers to divert offending juveniles away from the criminal justice system and back to their respective schools for discipline.

Beyond the fighting and the drugs, Martin’s apprehension with stolen women’s jewelry and a burglary tool should have been a wake-up call for everyone in his life. It was not. Given the directives from the top, the officer involved in the case chose not to link Martin directly to the jewelry.

I agree with Obama!

March 8, 2015

Said El Presidente:

“If Selma taught us anything, it’s that our work is never done. Our march is not yet finished.”


Suppose the president were white.

Suppose that a white criminal tried to kill a black police officer, and the president sided with the white criminal.

Suppose white people then rioted, and the president sided with the white rioters over the mostly-black police force.

Suppose the government gave race-based preferences to white people over black people when awarding contracts.

Suppose universities gave race-based preferences to white people over poor racial minorities.

Suppose the white Attorney General refused to prosecute the “White Tigers” for intimidating black voters.

Suppose there was a “White History Month.”

Change white to black, and all these things are true of today’s America.

Our march is not yet finished.